Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Changing my Heart

My Story...

I had a plan.
I usually have a plan! I got married young to a wonderful man and my plan was 3 wonderful children.
Almost 7 years ago I had my last baby! We had 2 boys and 1 girl. My family was complete, I was done having babies! It felt good, it felt right. I had always imagined 3 kids, my parents had 3 and my hubby's parents had 3. MY plan was complete, Hubby and I had 3 wonderful children!
My baby was turning 3 soon, totally potty trained, and becoming a little more independent. Life was getting very easy. We really didn't even need strollers anymore. ahhh it was nice!
Then it happened.
Yep I got pregnant.... What I thought, Wait MY plan was complete, how could this happen. I didn't tell anyone (except hubby) until I was about 12 weeks along. I had a tough time with it. Starting over with a baby. I no longer had any equipment, no clothes. NOTHING because I was done after #3, my plan was complete.
I finally accepted it and even got excited about it. Never did I ever think of not having my baby. But it was hard to think of starting over.

I had a wonderful baby boy, he was beautiful and we named him Shadrach (Shad). He cried the first 6 weeks of his life and then stopped one day and was a wonderful baby from then on. We got through the first year. Things were going good. We were nearing the end of the "baby days".
Then it hit me...
actually was more like getting ran over with a mack truck...

I looked at Shad one day and thought what if God would have granted me My Plan... Shad wouldn't be here. I couldn't dream of life without him. I love him more everyday if that's possible! How selfish had I been to be upset at getting pregnant. These children are a gift from God, an amazing gift. How did God feel when I wasn't exactly excited in the beginning. He gave me one of the greatest gifts on earth and I in essence rejected the gift at first.

Through it all I learned that I NO LONGER wanted MY PLAN. In fact I threw it out the window! I no longer have a plan, I only want God's plan for my life. I take every curve ball I'm thrown with excitement because I'm just waiting to see where God's plan takes us. Shad has brought so much happiness and laughter to our family. I thank God that I'm a work in progress and that He's willing to work on such a awful selfish person.

I know if God were to ever bless us with #5 or #6 or whatever life brings us, That's exactly what I want. I think one of the reasons God Blessed us with little Shad is to teach me that my plan is Blah and God's plan is perfect and unimaginable! I can't imagine my life without my baby and I can't wait to see what God has in store next.
Life is a precious Gift from above and His plan is perfect.

I've had an urging in my heart to write this for some time but of course it's personal and it brings tears to my eyes (and I'm not a teary person). So I've waited, but the urge hasn't left...
I can't help but wonder if there's someone out there having the same struggle as I had.
And I always think...
What if God wasn't working on me????


Genesa said...

Thanks for sharing your heart with us Megan! If you couldn't resist the urge to share this, then I'm sure God wanted it done for a good reason. I pray that the right person reads this and that the glory goes to God! It's awesome when God helps show us mistakes, and when we are willing to learn from them! Love Ya!

Kimber said...

Thank you for this heart-felt post. It truly touched my heart today.

Sarah said...

Thank God HIS plan is not ours... I definitely wouldn't dream of blessing me with the things He has. I wouldn't have dreamed that I would have 4 little boys, but I could imagine a day with out them. I couldn't imagine being blessed enough to have the wonderful, unselfish husband I have, but God knew.

I am a planning person too, but I have realized over the years too that I want God's plan, not mine. I am now able to roll with things a little better now. But it's still tough some days.

Once you realize the blessings that God will give you when YOU don't get in the way, you will absolutely be floored!

Great post! Thank you for sharing. I'm sure there are many who are struggling with that very thing. Throw your hands into the air and fall down to your knees, allow Jesus to take over your life and watch the blessings flow...

Danielle said...

Love what you had to say...and every bit I can AMEN to....sometimes being such a planner (as I myself am as well) can be more of a curse than a blessing. We start to think just because we are organized that we have things under control.....funny how we trick ourselves into ever thinking that way huh?
Great job sharing how God has worked and continues to touch your life in UNPLANNED ways...PTL!!

April and Doug said...

Hey Megan -
Thank you for sharing this.

I myself went through a very selfish stage when I found out I was pregnant with our second child. My first born was just 13 months old. He was my baby - and I felt like I hadn't had enough time with him. I was excited about my pregnancy (a bit disappointed we were having another boy) and the 8th month was my worst. I cried all the time and held my then 21 month old CONSTANTLY - - - trying to soak up our "last" moments together.

Gabriel was born July 11, 2008 and let me tell you - he has blessed my life more than I ever imagined. My older one adores his brother and I can not imagine one without the other. Now I'm not sure what I would do if I had a girl. I, too, learned God was working on me in a mighty big way!

free indeed said...

I hope this post wasn't for me! LOL I just sent off the last of six to college and I'm REALLY enjoying the empty nest! It has been 30 years since hubby and I have been alone....I'm so ready for this new stage. I learned early on that we need to be flexible with our plans; I may have planned to wash floors and clean the fridge, but God may have planned for me to open the door to a friend who is in need of prayer and support. Whoever or whatever God brings along your path, be open and flexible to change your plans to accommodate His. These plans have eternal value. I've always liked to dwell on the phase "living with eternity in view'. It'll change your life....

Amanda said...

Thanks for sharing! I can understand where you are coming from as baby #3 was a complete surprise to me after infertility problems the first time around. I can't imagaine life with out her and I would never turn down the chance to do it again!


Janelle said...

Mom told me to check your post about Shad, and I am glad I did. I'm sure you guys have heard that our little Maggie is colicky. I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks feeling frustrated, upset, and blaming myself. I know that God has a plan for me, but I said a lot of prayers asking WHY?!?!?! Your post made me realize that I need to stop questioning and continue praying and that we will make it through this rough patch and someday laugh about it (I hope).

The Brew Crew said...

Thank you for being open & sharing your heart. I'm sure your post has touched many of us who have had our plans changed. :)


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